Running Through Discomfort:
Learning to Grow in Uncertainty
I moved upstate a year and a half ago because I wanted a new beginning. I wanted to stop rushing around. I wanted to have a full life outside of work. I didn’t want to work 12 hours on set anymore and wondered where my next gig came from. I wanted stability in my life, especially after a breakup, moving back in with my mom, and figuring out my next steps. It was either move back to New York City or dare to try something new. Synchronistically an apartment opened up next door to my best friend. I was faced with this amazing opportunity, but my only thought was “shit. Am I going to have to move back to the city?”
That’s when I knew it was time to try something different. Like many people during the pandemic, I got into gardening, hiking, and wanting to be more in touch with nature. So, I took the leap, found an apartment in the Hudson Valley, and filled out the application that day.
Everything fell into place… until it didn’t. At the beginning of this summer, I was laid off. I only had an inkling a few days earlier as a new manager asked me to start detailing my scope of work. It’s the hilarious paradox that the job that was supposed to give me stability led me to feel more lost than I did a year and a half ago.
Being on the other side, I still wouldn’t do anything different: moving to the Hudson Valley and taking my Graphic Design job led me to my community, my partner, and my forever hometown. But I wasn’t being honest with myself about what I wanted my life to look like. I kept having this reoccurring idea of standing on a porch looking at evergreens and I had a story I was writing. It was a bright beautiful morning and I felt fulfilled. I felt at ease.
In theory, without a job, I have all of this free time to make that vision come true, but I have to force myself to write. More honestly, I have to force myself to do a lot of things. As we live in this capitalistic society and I wait a third month for unemployment to come in, I stress about surviving. This stress was both familiar and debilitating. I have to remind myself daily of my resilience, which is easier said than done.
Luckily, I live with an amazingly supportive partner who makes my problems our problems. We go on long, explorative walks and he helps me find inspiration when there is no certainty insight. He asked what are three things that would feel good to do every week that I can focus on and work up to. He helped me create small goals to feel alive and lit me up. Throughout this, I kept thinking of the book, Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski, which I read two years earlier. They said that, statistically, running is the best way to extinguish stress from our bodies. Overall, make sure you move, get daylight, and drink water.
Basically, we’re just plants that need to photosynthesize.
So with my partner’s support and this book on my mind, I took out an index card and started to write my weekly goals with my plant-like tendencies in mind. I planned to go outside five times a week because I didn’t want this beautiful weather to pass me by. I’ve been getting into a rut of sleeping in, having a late breakfast, and starting my day around 12 PM-1 PM. Then I get caught up in the stress of applying to jobs, figuring out finances, and putting even more stress on myself to make the best of my time while I don’t have a day job… then the sun sets and I haven’t left my home. I live in an upstate meadow surrounded by butterfly birds, flowers, deer, and so much greenery. I need to go outside! I started to use the Pomodoro Method where I set a timer for 25 minutes and then take a 5-minute break. It’s uncomfortable and aggravating to stop what I’m doing to take a break, but once I’m outside with my feet in the grass I realize it’s exactly what I need.
My second goal is to write three times a week. I didn’t put a word or page count requirement because showing up to the page is hard enough. To help me out I’ve been using a table on notion to track my progress. It’s truly just a visual to make me feel motivated! I track when I show up so it feels like “damn look at all of the days I’ve written!” rather than a habit tracker that shows me all of the days I didn’t write. I also added a progress bar that divides the pages I’ve written with a guesstimate of the total page count (for the book I’m writing I put 350 pages). This way I’m working towards an end goal and I can see the progress grow every time.
Lastly, I want to move 3 times a week for +30 minutes where I sweat. For me, this looks like interval running, learning how to use a barbell, and strengthening my body so I can adventure when I’m 90. I ran around today, belting Michelle Branch’s Breathe like I’m in an early 2000s rom-com. I circle my pond that changes before my eyes with flowers, frogs, and mushrooms.
I still worry that this stress is hitting me too much and I don’t know what to do with it, but I know when it comes to stress and feeling uncomfortable, I tend to be cautious. It’s like when I did physical therapy on my knee and my PT told me I would know when it’s really bad, right now it is uncomfortable and we can work with that. Now I’m learning that lesson again as I sit with my discomfort, and allow myself to fully show up. I can write, I can run and I can go outside to remind myself why I am alive. As corny as it sounds, sometimes it’s going to rain on your run, but there will be trees giving you solace in their cover along the way. Things are corny and cliché for a reason, it’s because they work. Just like how I know I need to write because sharing something allows people to help carry the weight of what is burdening me. Now I encourage you to find your small but mighty goals, allow space for the uncomfortable, and remember that you’ve gotten through everything up until this point before, why wouldn’t you now?
Love,
Your fellow creative who is also going through it, Jess Costa.
If this resonates with you, read more of my work on my website.
